Hello New Year! Hello New Me

Exposing myself on the internet. something i thought i'll never do, and yet maybe it's time for me to shake my comfort zone and see what it's like. another rebellion against my norm. :P

My thoughts on me _____ in a foreign country

1. being alone
Sometimes I feel so alone. But that's good as I finally get to see for myself how much i can cope and handle it. I want and need to know how far I can go and survive by myself. It's great and comforting for me to know that I am so lucky and I am grateful to be able to stay on the positive side and have so many friends (apart from my family) who cares about me. The other day, I had an 'im chat' with my friend via skype alone in my bedroom; and for awhile, it made me feel nearly as if nothing had change and I wasn't far away in an unknown territory. It felt like I was back home in my country. It's so great to know that even though physically I am far away, but in reality, spiritually/unphysically, I am not alone. I can feel it.
Yes mum. I know you have been conducting pow-wows and updating the clans about me constantly. I feel the heat all the way on the otherside of the world. Keep it up! :P

2. getting to know me and love myself
Hello me. How are you today? What do you like and what don't you like? What are your strengths and weaknesses? what do you plan to do about it? Is it okay for you to accept and love your flaws? I know deep down I need this and I want this. Who am I without the other roles (the daughter, the girlfriend, etc...) to play? Don't get me wrong though, I love my family, boyfriend, best friends and close friends to bits. But I need to love me too. And I can only do that once I know me.

3. being sick
I have no one to manja me now. I'm so used to feeling grumpy and babyish and having someone to fuss over me when I'm sick. And when I have someone to fuss over me, I can start acting I'm strong and I'm fine and I can just ignore the sickness away. Can't do that now. :)) Have to learn myself how I'll cope with it now. One thing interesting though is the overwhelming response I have from my friends here and at home, especially on all the im messengers. i have so many friends who care about me (at least more than I expected). Giving me wishes and advices and also turning into my mommy alarm clock on when to go to sleep! hahahhahaha. Thanks you guys! I rely on you! ;)

3. "growing up"
maybe i am moving towards my teenage rebellion age. I'm trying and doing a few things I probably would never have done had I stayed over in my comfort zone, being in familiar territories. I admit it. I am stubborn and I can be very proud and smug about myself or my family at times. At least secretly if not openly. Which is such an irony when you think about how people normally tell me I am down to earth and "humble" in certain ways.
Now, there's no such thing as mentally hiding behind daddy's legs or mommy's skirts when I think I may need a backup plan. The temptation to see how far I can go and to test certain things is such a great seducer to me. But at the same time, I listen to me; to my concience, to my heart. And I use that as my guideline to tell me when I should stop and what/who is the real me. Not the daddy's girl, not the mommy's girl and not the boyfriend's girlfriend. But just me. And somehow, I think it's important for me to find out.
Don't worry guys, I haven't done anything bad. :) I don't do drugs or even smoke cause that's just ain't me ;)

p/s: It's not as if I don't have any negative moments. It's just that I CHOOSE to be positive. I don't care if people consider it naive, I consider it as your life being too short to feel down all the time.

4. getting my relationship closer with someone far far away
among all the things that I anticipated before I came here, this was the least that i expected to happen. I'm so much more in touch with some of my cousins and friends now. It's such an irony as we used to not see each other that often at all when I used to live nearer. Now that I'm living world's apart and in a totally different time zone, our relationship's getting way better. It's awesome!

5. learning to cope with my insecurities
you're confident because you know. you're insecure because you don't know where you stand. The only way out is for you to learn as much as you can about it and figure out how you want to deal with it. it's okay to be weak at something. nobody in this world can be good in everything. it's okay. still a work in progress.

6. learning how to deal with human relationships (people) outside my comfort zone
still a work in progress. especially when it comes to dealing with delicate matters... and women. But I am 'forced' to deal with it and I am getting better at it. Maybe i am getting more mature?


I don't know if I am a caterpillar turning into a butterfly or turning into a moth. I don't know. I have mixed feelings. But I'm willing to find out. As mom's favourite son says it, "you are stubborn. you are willing and try to accept a different opinion, but probably not immediately".

Que sera sera. What will be, will be.